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Okay, so you all might be wondering since my last post. Basically I have been in and out of the hospital post surgery and it seems like my doctors aren’t really sure what EXACTLY is wrong. However, what they do know is that I am depressed and my body is and mind is just overwhelmed. The feeling of being overwhelmed has kept me from writing because I haven’t had the mental and emotional capacity to do so. The amount of times I have been admitted and in the ER is bizarre to me and to be honest the other day I was thinking about just giving up on this fight. What if I said just “F*ck It”? How many of us know what it feels like to feel hopeless and the loss of power and control over YOUR body. It’s been tough for me. Now on the flip side, I have had amazing support from my family, friends, and medical staff. I’ve been hoping however to link up to more ostomates so that we can share our stories and support each other.
Now for an update about life with a temporary ostomy…it sucks. I initially thought I was mentally prepared for it and its not that it grosses me out but it just doesn’t make me feel beautiful. Yes I am now insecure and for goodness sake I keep having nasty leaks. I’ve been having so many issues that aren’t related to the surgery. The surgery itself was successful but something in me was triggered to tell me body to screw up even more. So I’ve had daily pain, nausea, and even vomiting. It hasn’t been nice. I mean I don’t “feel” sick but when it comes on it hurts like hell. Since my surgery my parents have been here to help me but my mom mainly stays with me. She watched me in the night when I sleep….weird lol.
I’ve learned something important..well many things but I’m just going to express one right now…Don’t give up. It feels so easy for me to just throw my hands up in the air and say just forget it. It feels so easy to say I don’t want to fight anymore. It feels so easy to just say “GOD I don’t trust your will”. However I don’t give up and I KEEP my trust in the LORD. If anything I’ve built a better relationship with Him. It has made me STRONGER.